moving on

So, in less than 2 weeks we’ll become urbanities rather than rural dwellers. It’s a move that’s 4 years overdue. I’ve never fit in here. Being who I am, someone who has rarely fit in anywhere I have been, being out here has been something akin to slow drowning. I guess no matter where you are you have to give yourself acceptance rather than look for it outside yourself, but it will be so nice to not be in such a small town, where no one said “welcome!” No one ever asks your name or if they can help, or can my kid play with yours? Everyone is so insulated in their own little bubble, there isn’t room for people who can’t be classified or pigeonholed. I might as well have 2 heads. 

And there’s also that little thing of coming to accept the difference between what you want and what you can have. S. is never going to be a homesteader or even a run a green sustainable home. He’s too cerebral for that kind of physical work. He livs in hsi head and likes to stay there. So unless I want to be a single parent homesteader, I need to look towards urban sustainability on a very small scale after we move. I just can’t fight with him anymore about “what needs to be done.”

Yup, so we’re moving on. In so many ways. 

I leave behind what I thought I wanted, but realized I didn’t. I leave behind the illusions of relationships both past and present. I leave behind the stars, and the woodsmoke and the birds and the land and quiet. I leave behind the place where my son’s placenta is buried, where the tiny baby I lost is buried, where my daughter was born, where my children learned to walk and talk and my son has grown in a boy, not a baby anymore. I leave behind the place I was married, and the place I spent 3 years in depression and all the loneliness and silence and isolation. 

I really do hope we can make a new start. All of us. And I pray having more of what we want will make us all happier and have more joy in our lives.

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~ by nawor on November 12, 2008.

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